Scarce Patience

I am one of those chosen ones whom God has not seen fit to grant patience. I am the kind of person who wants everything 'Right Here Right Now'. And I am sure I am not alone in this. I have come across people who have eternal patience. Shouting, screaming, or flying at them in rage will also not break their determination. They will wait through thick and think, holding on to that sliver of courage. But there are those people out there, like me, who cannot. Simply cannot. It is understandable that things take time to build up or grow. Nothing can just shoot up and instantly appear. But being patient is not my thing really.

My blog was created almost two years ago, and it has taken so long for it to grow after much nurturing, loving and care. It needed nourishment, and I provided it which bore me the fruit I have today. People from the most unimaginable places are visiting and reading from South Korea to Germany to Russia, and none of these are my friends or acquaintances. They are complete strangers. I am steeped in humility and pride at the same time, and these are powerful incentives to drive me forward.

Everybody wants to be successful NOW, of course. No one is pacified with the promise of success and achievement five years from today. But alas! Only one in a million have the opportunity to quick-start and jump up the vine. I wish it wasn't so. I don't want to keep rubbing my nose close to the grindstone for ages either. But I have discovered its more like climbing a tree. If you scrabble and clamber up with much haste, you're going to slide downwards quick and easy. But if you put each step on a branch methodically working hard and with much strategy, you just might get to the top. And the view from the top is golden!

Corners

Happiness is just around the corner, they said. They kept saying it over and over again. But I don't know how far the corner is from where I am standing. It could be miles and miles away, or worse it could just be a straight path onwards, without any corners. What if? What if there is no corner for me? I am scared. And I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of looking for corners, for it seems as they never come. And if they do, they are but a fleeting shadow of a corner; gone so quick, it seems neglible in the fast flow.

It seems that my life is built around looking for corners, and the straight path up ahead holds no promise for me whatsoever. It daunts me, making me want to run away. It is only a long strech of road, barren and hopeless. The corner should appear out of nowhere, for it does not seem to be visible. Being brave in the face of adversity seems like a joke; an impossible feat almost. I never knew how to be brave, and I probably shall not be starting anytime soon.

It makes me sit, right on the middle of this beaten up road, not wanting to take another step forward or backward; being still, stock still. All the enthusiasm seems to have gone out, and it seems I am forever fighting battles with my demons and myself. I have had enough. I am tired. I am stumbling now, swaying with exhaustion. And I'm afraid, for if I fall, I will fall so hard that no one will be able to save me. So all I ask is, where is my corner? Where is it?

Fear

It all happens in a flash, over within minutes. But it remains etched right there, becoming a part of you. It is that part which you want to hide and make it disappear. Maybe not thinking about it, will make it go away. But its still there - very real, and right there, catching you unawares. It has made no move to slink away into the darkness, and does not show any signs of leaving anytime soon. It is going to make itself comfortable inside you, making you it's home; a parasite feeding off your emotions and feelings.

I am talking about Fear. Yes, Fear as if its a real, palpable living creature. It grows, gaining strength and evolves by finding out your weaknesses and all the chinks in your armour. The longer it stays, the more deep rooted its going to be. Its going to gnaw at your heartbeat, giving you the shocks of your life. It is going to turn some sensitive moments into miserable, heart-clenching times. Its going to stay there, only coming out with its full potential at sudden moments, giving you the fright of a lifetime. It is never going to let you forget. It is never going to let you move on.

It is going to be within you and around you. It will be found in the dark recesses and alcoves of buildings, deserted alleyways and streets or in some suspicious looking fella walking towards you. It is going to masquerade itself as seemingly innocent people, but going to pounce on you the minute you let your guard down. It will make you paranoid; letting all sense go out the window.

It will cackle and express its mirth at your helplessness and vulnerability. It will have the time of its life, while you will be found wishing if only it had never happened.

Scatter-Brained

Its been a while since I have done this. It feels strange, almost like as if I were a novice. I am at a loss for words; do not know where to begin or where to end.
Lately, I have been pretty much preoccupied. I had thought about and felt like writing maybe a dozen or more times in the past month, but always something or the other came up and I ended up distracted.
This post is sort of an apology; a justification for my absence. But maybe I shouldn't have stayed away, for this makes me feel so much better.
There are so many fears, hopes, dreams and feelings welled up inside me. And before the dam bursts unexpectedly some day, I want to let it out in a controlled way. My life is in a kind of limbo; stuck neither here nor there. Its said by someone famous that make a choice, or the choices will make you. I get this on so many levels, but then again, there is no way that I can control every thing around me.
I am so scattered about. Trying to be and do everything. I want to be whole, again, for that was something that I miss. I want to be somebody. I want to be me.